Top 5 Reasons Why Jeff The Killer Isn’t Scary

Who’s Jeff the Killer, I hear you ask? Well, he is a character in what is known as a creepypasta – a short story or series designed to scare the pants off people. He is one of the more famous of these creepypastas, his name inspiring fear and dread into the hearts of many. Provided is a picture of him, which I’ll admit, is very creepy indeed. I’ll post it as a link, and suggest that anyone of a nervous disposition and is easily scared never click it. If you’re interested, here he is:

Ooga booga booga!

Yes, very creepy. If I saw that face for real, I’m sure I’d never forget it.

It was a while after seeing that picture and learning of his infamy that I actually got around to reading the associated creepypasta. My verdict? Honestly, I was disappointed. I expected a lot better for something so notoriously terrifying. I expected a demonic killing machine and what did I get instead? Blog material. Better yet, material for a Top 5 List, which is something I’m way overdue to write.

So, here it is. Enjoy.

• Number 5: His character doesn’t really make much sense. The way I see it, he’s some kid who got into a fight before school and, like many people who get into fights, he quite enjoyed beating the other kids (who started it, of course) senseless. They later come back for more, they basically end up kicking his ass and setting his face on fire, he loses his sanity and becomes a senseless murderer. Fair enough. But those same kids got his brother sent to juvenile hall. He was upset about that, which is why he lost his sanity in the first place. After the point where he lost his sanity, he was happy to hear that his brother was released from kiddy prison, which is good. So why does he then end up killing his brother for no reason? He doesn’t have a reason to do it, he just does. That flaws his character far too much in my humble (and brutal) opinion. It’s almost like he’s insane for no real reason but to make him more scary.
• Number 4: The story isn’t all that well written. It destroys my suspension of disbelief when the sentence structure seems a little off, and confuses me somewhat. It’s not awful, but it’s enough to make a critic like me become too judgmental to take it seriously. Also, a lot of the situations seem rather unrealistic to me. Read it here and judge for yourself. Warning: that creepy picture is at the bottom, so read at your own discretion.
• Number 3: He’s just a kid. And there isn’t really much there to suggest to me he’s a particularly tough kid, either. He could be easily overpowered and subdued, possibly by an average sized adult. Obviously in the story he isn’t so easily overpowered at the start, but then again, it’s supposed to be scary, right? I’m not convinced. He doesn’t strike me as anything special.
• Number 2: He sticks out like a sore thumb. If you’ve seen the picture, then you know you’d see him from a mile off. The very scariest of mortal villains can blend into society and avoid detection, often in a very close proximity to their target. But this guy? No way. You’d see him and either turn in the opposite direction, stare bemused into his freaky face, or assault him. This means you’re quite safe in the daytime. And let’s face it, we always expect things to happen at night while we’re asleep, so the scariest time of all is the daytime.
• Number 1: He’s got no eyelids. This is quite an important point. You see, taking into account that it wouldn’t be especially difficult to hold him back, you could easily assault his eyes and there would be nothing he could do to stop you. Shine a torch into his face and the only way he could protect himself from the light would be to either turn his whole head or shield his entire face with both arms, leaving him vulnerable. No gaps would be allowed, otherwise the light would simply creep through. Also, it means he can’t blink. Try staring for a long time. Walk around your house, doing what you normally do with yourself, without ever blinking. How long does it take before your eyes inevitably become tired? Or your vision blurs? Or your eyes start to burn? Now imagine never being able to rely on the sweet release of blinking. I can’t imagine it’s very nice. Furthermore, blinking moisturizes your eyes to keep them healthy. So, unless he has to stop every minute or so to apply eye drops (which, let’s face it, rather takes away from the terrifying image a little), his vision must be absolutely awful. Finally, and most importantly, it has been proven that if you can get your fingers at the right angle, it would take very little effort to remove someone’s eyes from their sockets. The only line of defense from something as nimble as a human finger is the eyelid. So, if he comes up to you, you simply jab your finger above his eyeball and wrench it out. Et Voila, a severely disabled opponent. Rinse wash repeat, and you have a blind opponent. At this point, he’s completely open to a counter assault, and is no longer scary in any way. And he’d struggle to stop the resulting flow of blood, too.

So there you have it. He’s freaky, granted, but not all that scary. Just arm yourself at night, wait for him to show up (you’ll know him when you see him), overpower him, and rip his eyes out. Simples.