I quite like April Fools Day. Don’t get me wrong, I get rather sick of people telling pointless little lies, packaging them up as ‘pranks’ and justifying it because of the day – that sort of thing stopped being funny back when I was a child. Actually, scratch that – it never stopped being hilarious, because it never started. “Oh look, your shoelace is untied!” I almost never have shoelaces, so I’m pretty sure they’re not. “There’s £5 on the floor over there!” Then why are you still here, tight-ass? If that were true, you’d be all over it faster than herpes on Nicki Minaj. “Oh look, you dropped your gay card!” Shut up, I keep that in my wallet at all times. It’s never hit the floor once, why would it now? Idiots.
However, all of this blatant comedic injustice is rescued heroically by those knights in shining tin-foil who actually understand the mechanics of a good prank. These are the people with the power to dupe millions of people all over the world all at once, and they pull no punches trying to do it. The bigger, the better – even the Whitehouse got in on it this year:
… Although clearly, in true political fashion, they aimed their joke at “the point of April Fools Day” and somehow managed to completely overshoot it. Eh, good effort though, I suppose.
But when the big boys get it right, it’s pretty frikkin’ awesome. So, in no specific order (I can’t pick a favourite here), here are five of the best from this year, in case you missed them.
Who’s Jeff the Killer, I hear you ask? Well, he is a character in what is known as a creepypasta – a short story or series designed to scare the pants off people. He is one of the more famous of these creepypastas, his name inspiring fear and dread into the hearts of many. Provided is a picture of him, which I’ll admit, is very creepy indeed. I’ll post it as a link, and suggest that anyone of a nervous disposition and is easily scared never click it. If you’re interested, here he is:
Ooga booga booga!
Yes, very creepy. If I saw that face for real, I’m sure I’d never forget it.
It was a while after seeing that picture and learning of his infamy that I actually got around to reading the associated creepypasta. My verdict? Honestly, I was disappointed. I expected a lot better for something so notoriously terrifying. I expected a demonic killing machine and what did I get instead? Blog material. Better yet, material for a Top 5 List, which is something I’m way overdue to write.
So, here it is. Enjoy.
Top 5 Reasons Why Jeff The Killer Isn’t Scary
- Number 5: His character doesn’t really make much sense. The way I see it, he’s some kid who got into a fight before school and, like many people who get into fights, he quite enjoyed beating the other kids (who started it, of course) senseless. They later come back for more, they basically end up kicking his ass and setting his face on fire, he loses his sanity and becomes a senseless murderer. Fair enough. But those same kids got his brother sent to juvenile hall. He was upset about that, which is why he lost his sanity in the first place. After the point where he lost his sanity, he was happy to hear that his brother was released from kiddy prison, which is good. So why does he then end up killing his brother for no reason? He doesn’t have a reason to do it, he just does. That flaws his character far too much in my humble (and brutal) opinion. It’s almost like he’s insane for no real reason but to make him more scary.
- Number 4: The story isn’t all that well written. It destroys my suspension of disbelief when the sentence structure seems a little off, and confuses me somewhat. It’s not awful, but it’s enough to make a critic like me become too judgmental to take it seriously. Also, a lot of the situations seem rather unrealistic to me. Read it here and judge for yourself. Warning: that creepy picture is at the bottom, so read at your own discretion.
- Number 3: He’s just a kid. And there isn’t really much there to suggest to me he’s a particularly tough kid, either. He could be easily overpowered and subdued, possibly by an average sized adult. Obviously in the story he isn’t so easily overpowered at the start, but then again, it’s supposed to be scary, right? I’m not convinced. He doesn’t strike me as anything special.
- Number 2: He sticks out like a sore thumb. If you’ve seen the picture, then you know you’d see him from a mile off. The very scariest of mortal villains can blend into society and avoid detection, often in a very close proximity to their target. But this guy? No way. You’d see him and either turn in the opposite direction, stare bemused into his freaky face, or assault him. This means you’re quite safe in the daytime. And let’s face it, we always expect things to happen at night while we’re asleep, so the scariest time of all is the daytime.
- Number 1: He’s got no eyelids. This is quite an important point. You see, taking into account that it wouldn’t be especially difficult to hold him back, you could easily assault his eyes and there would be nothing he could do to stop you. Shine a torch into his face and the only way he could protect himself from the light would be to either turn his whole head or shield his entire face with both arms, leaving him vulnerable. No gaps would be allowed, otherwise the light would simply creep through. Also, it means he can’t blink. Try staring for a long time. Walk around your house, doing what you normally do with yourself, without ever blinking. How long does it take before your eyes inevitably become tired? Or your vision blurs? Or your eyes start to burn? Now imagine never being able to rely on the sweet release of blinking. I can’t imagine it’s very nice. Furthermore, blinking moisturizes your eyes to keep them healthy. So, unless he has to stop every minute or so to apply eye drops (which, let’s face it, rather takes away from the terrifying image a little), his vision must be absolutely awful. Finally, and most importantly, it has been proven that if you can get your fingers at the right angle, it would take very little effort to remove someone’s eyes from their sockets. The only line of defense from something as nimble as a human finger is the eyelid. So, if he comes up to you, you simply jab your finger above his eyeball and wrench it out. Et Voila, a severely disabled opponent. Rinse wash repeat, and you have a blind opponent. At this point, he’s completely open to a counter assault, and is no longer scary in any way. And he’d struggle to stop the resulting flow of blood, too.
So there you have it. He’s freaky, granted, but not all that scary. Just arm yourself at night, wait for him to show up (you’ll know him when you see him), overpower him, and rip his eyes out. Simples.
What makes a good song lyric? Memorability? Artistic value? Or the first thing that rolled off the songwriter’s head in their delusion that they’re creating a work of art while off their face on all manner of unidentifiable narcotics? Well, I always thought it was artistic value that was most important, but after some of the songs I’ve heard lately, apparently I was wrong.
Here, I’ve compiled a small list of the 5 song lyrics which irritate me most. Some are recent, some are fairly old, all irritate me endlessly. So, without further ado, here is my…
Top 5 Worst Song Lyrics
- At number 5: “I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian / Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian” – Balla Baby by Chingy. I heard this one some time ago, and this line in particular stuck in my mind. “Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian”. Seriously? For anyone who doesn’t know, Japan and China are both Asian countries. It’s ok not knowing that, but if you’re going to include it in a song, you should at least have the foresight to make sure you’re not making a fatal mistake. Remember, neglecting to check your facts can result in you being part of a list like this.
- Number 4: “Everybody was Kung Fu fighting / Those cats were fast as lightening / In fact it was a little bit frightening / But they fought with expert timing” – Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas. Everyone knows this song. It’s a classic. That’s probably because of it’s ridiculous lyrical theme, because this particular line beggars belief. Why did he write this? What was happening in his head? More importantly, what was going on in everyone else’s head for this to become so popular? Granted, it has a catchy tune, but is that really all that matters? Pure insanity.
- In at number 3: “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad” – Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. I’ve listened to this song so many hundreds of times completely against my will. The song itself, while still a little irritating, is starting to grow on me a little, I’m almost ashamed to admit… However, this particular line will never stop annoying me. I know it’s a minor niggle to most, but to me, hearing it is like listening to someone scrape a chalkboard with a rusty nail. How can you miss someone before they came into your life? How? It’s not possible. It makes no sense. It sounds like it was added entirely on the basis that it has enough syllables – which is not a valid reason.
- Number 2: “Kickin’ in the front seat / Sittin’ in the back seat / Gotta make my mind up / Which seat can I take?” – Friday by Rebecca Black. I think most people will agree with me here, this song is a total abomination. It’s probably the best thing that ever happened to Justin Bieber though, being the only song that was widely considered worse than his hit “Baby”. It completely took all the negative attention away from him, at least for a short while, with its consistent pointless lyrical themes and her atrocious singing ability. I hope for her sake she at least didn’t write the song herself, because at least then she could blame someone else for thinking this was a good concept for a smash hit. It isn’t. There’s nothing intellectual about any of the lyrics. These ones are the very worst in my personal opinion. Which seat can you take? Allow me to make your mind up for you. Take a seat next to all the other hopeless wannabes who only want to get their name heard. Fame is not always a good thing.
- And at number 1: “Well I go down the supermarket / With me basket in me hand / I’m walking from one counter to another / Trying to find the bread stall / But I can’t find it anywhere / And then I bump into a mother / With a baby in a basket / And she says / ‘Oh look, you’ve started him off again / I come down here for a little bit of peace and quiet / To get some bread to go home to make toast / Just toast / I like toast’ / Yeah, but I don’t half like toast” – Toast by Paul Young. This guy must really like toast. It’s a whole song about how great toast is. I could easily quote the entire song here, it’s just ridiculous. But there’s something about this line in particular that just makes my head spin. Even the mother likes toast as much as he does. This is a person who thought taking a baby into a supermarket would be a peaceful experience. That alone is ludicrous. But of all the people to bump into, why would it just so happen to be a like minded toast-lover like himself? It just makes me wonder… Why is this a song? What possessed him to write this? I can only assume he had serious munchies and couldn’t stop thinking about toast. There’s no reason at all why anyone would make this song if they weren’t higher than a kite on serious reefer. It’s so strange, it’s almost brilliant.