If you are a man with an other (better) half, you may be vaguely aware of a special room in your house. This is a strange, mysterious place; it contains all the food, beer (or cider, whatever’s your poison) and those funny little shiny pronged, scoopy and sharp things that you’re supposed to eat your dinner with, but which your other (better) half often threatens to hurt you with instead. You may even have heard it being referenced as a “kitchen”, most likely perhaps when your other (better) half is nagging you into tearing yourself away from the TV (an absurd suggestion, I know) to spend a little time in it.
As daunting as this thought may be, it’s probably best for your life expectancy if you humour your other (better) half and do as she commands, just like generations of men before you. When you find yourself in there, don’t be alarmed by all the strange contraptions you see all around you – they’re a lot more basic and easy to use than you may think.
Nothing will please your other (better) half more than a man who is well-acquainted with this equipment; as odd as it may seem, spending every waking hour in there on her own is not an appealing thought to her. To this end, it is vital that you learn the art of preparing meals, preferably without ever using any of this alien machinery. Fortunately for you, with my handy little guide, you will soon be a master at it.
First of all, before you do anything, you need to get your other (better) half out of the way for a little while. You can do this by sending her into the back garden with a glass of Pinot Grigio and a copy of 50 Shades Of Grey, and the promise of a masterfully crafted candlelit dinner for two provided she remains outside. This should please her no end, although you may find it a little difficult to do if it’s raining; in this event, you may want to lock the doors behind you when you eventually coax her outside, just to be sure.
Next, you need to plan your meal – for example purposes, we will create a luscious Chicken Biryani followed by Vienetta, complimented with a delicious mixed fruit smoothie (preparation time: anywhere between 1 hr and 1hr 30mins).
Now you need to gather the resources. You will need:
- Some fruit (there should be a glass bowl somewhere in the kitchen full of these)
- Some sugar (about 10kg)
- Some milk (3 gallons should do it)
- A car
- Some money
- A cement mixer (might be a little more difficult to get a hold of)
- Several meters of string
- Scented candles
We will start with the smoothie. First, clean out the cement mixer (only necessary if “borrowed” from an active building site) with whatever you can find – washing up liquid, bleach, water, etc. Then, take the fruit bowl and empty the contents into the mixer. Now load the mixer with all the sugar and milk, and begin the mixing process. A smoothie of this magnitude might take a while before it’s ready, so in this time, we will prepare our main course.
Take the money and the car, and go to the nearest indian takeaway. Order two Chicken Biryanis with boiled rice (all other rice varieties are just crap). Order some Naan bread too, if you wish to spruce the meal up a little bit. Also, be sure to order an extra large container of sauce in addition to this; you will need this later.
When the food appears (something you should be familiar with by now), pay for it and return home. By this time, the smoothie will be ready.
Now comes the preparation. Take two large plates, the fancier the better. Spoon the contents of the Biryani containers evenly onto the plates, then dispose of the packaging – you want to leave no evidence, so be as destructive as you like. Next, spoon some smoothie into a cocktail glass for your other (better) half. You may drink out of the mixer if you like, but it might kill the romantic mood a little; I would recommend a pint glass, you should be inundated with these so finding one won’t be hard.
Finally, the most important step of all: take some pots and pans (the deep, round things with handles) and tie a length of string to the handles of each one. Fill each of these containers evenly with the additional pot of extra large sauce (if you got greedy and spooned it onto your plate, don’t worry. There’s plenty of dirt outside you can use instead, but it won’t look as authentic), then swing each one in turn around your head for two minutes. This should sufficiently convince your other (better) half that you slaved over this meal, and you put your heart and soul into crafting it. It will also give you washing up; doing this washing up will give you brownie points.
Now that the meal is ready, lay the table with shiny pronged, scoopy and sharp utensils (one of each for each of you) and light the candles (use fire – you’re a man, something you own will create fire). Now invite your other (better) half back into the house. If it was raining, offer her an chance to change clothes. If it wasn’t raining… Well, she’ll probably change anyway. Then serve the meal and enjoy. Once the meal is consumed, find the Vienetta in the freezer; there’s usually one somewhere. If not, use Ice-Cream. If you still have no luck, use frozen potato products. They may not be very
appetising edible, but you should get points for the effort.
Repeat this process about once a month, and this should keep your other (better) half content for a while longer.