The Epic Land Of Dean

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How To Draw Really Good

Posted by Dean Gregory on May 4, 2013
Posted in: Other. Tagged: 24, Art, Draw, Drawing, Good, How-to, Leonardo da Vinci, Mona Lisa, Oliver, People, Shopping, T-shirt, Visual arts, Women, YouTube. Leave a Comment

Mine is the sort of artistic talent that will bring tears to the eyes of even those with the stoniest of hearts:

Moving.

Moving.

But I wasn’t simply born a poet of the visual arts. I devoted several seconds of my life to reach the caliber you see above. Although I didn’t need a tutor, however, not everyone is quite as adept at the arts as I am; you may need to invest many more minutes into your work if you wish to learn, and to help you with that, I point you in the direction of Oliver, Age 24.

Oliver runs a pokey little channel on YouTube called “How To Draw Really Good”, which does pretty much what it says on the tin. Anyone can draw well, and Oliver generously shows you how in bitesize little chunks. For example, here is a video in which he shows you how to recreate the legendary Mona Lisa:

Better than the original, I think you’ll agree.

If you appreciate his work as much as I do (I know pure talent when I see it; I’ve been in the biz long enough) then you can always buy one of his T-Shirts right here. I must warn you, however; the volume of sex you will receive from women will increase dramatically if you own one of these tees. If you’re a man, that’s fine, but as I’ve noticed more women seem to read this blog than men, then there’s a high chance most of you will want to consider that little warning before making your purchase.

Check out Oliver’s channel here, and be sure to tell him about all the sex his work has helped you get in graphic detail.

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Llamas

Posted by Dean Gregory on April 18, 2013
Posted in: Randomness. Tagged: Animals, Crackers, Llama, Llamas, Napolean Dynamite, Silliness, Tina. 3 comments

I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I feared no evil. I have journeyed to the farthest reaches of the Earth, through the most desolate of wastelands and the largest, most treacherous landscapes, and I have survived. I have scaled the tallest mountains, descended the deepest valleys, braved the greatest storms Mother Nature could conjure against me and lived to tell the tale – and I would do it all again. I have been to places it transpires fewer people than I first thought have ever been, and seen the most bountiful of treasures from each and every one. However, there are still conquests to be had in this world, and only recently have I encountered one of the rarest, finest treasures I have ever had the privelage to find.

BEHOLD

BEHOLD

Llamas. Only they’re not really llamas; they’re cheese flavoured crackers.

If the graceful fellow on the front of the packet is to be believed (and I have no reason to doubt him), then these crackers were not manufactured by petty human hands, but were in fact gifted to us by these most noble of creatures, perhaps as a peace offering, given in the hopes that our great civilizations can co-exist in peace.

However, on my travels, I have seen many a sign that our two seemingly separate worlds have been at one for some time, perhaps the best example of this being the Dial-A-Llama service.

Alpacas are also available with the service, but no one really cares about them because Llama (Source – http://s271.photobucket.com/user/Gz_Chicken/media/442921-image001_57137_44292_1.jpg.html)

Yes, for a nominal fee you can have a llama, an animal so majestic it has not one but two ‘l’s in its name, one of which is silent because screw your silly grammar rules, which suits your needs delivered directly to your door, for whatever purpose you may need a llama for. Finally, a service which gives me everything I need to fulfill my one true ambition in life; to dress up as Napolean Dynamite and hurl chunks of ham at helpless mammals.

EAT THE DAMN FOOD, TINA! (Source: – http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/tina%20you%20fat%20lard)

I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon, anyway.

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this post. Have a llama.

“Baah” (or whatever sound a llama makes)
(Source – http://mushypony.com/tag/llama/)

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Top 5 April Fools Pranks 2013

Posted by Dean Gregory on April 3, 2013
Posted in: Top # Lists. Tagged: April, April Fool Day, Day, Fools, Google, Hoax, Joan Rivers, joke, Minecraft, Nicki Minaj, Richard Branson, Silly, Twitter, YouTube. 5 comments

I quite like April Fools Day. Don’t get me wrong, I get rather sick of people telling pointless little lies, packaging them up as ‘pranks’ and justifying it because of the day – that sort of thing stopped being funny back when I was a child. Actually, scratch that – it never stopped being hilarious, because it never started. “Oh look, your shoelace is untied!” I almost never have shoelaces, so I’m pretty sure they’re not. “There’s £5 on the floor over there!” Then why are you still here, tight-ass? If that were true, you’d be all over it faster than herpes on Nicki Minaj. “Oh look, you dropped your gay card!” Shut up, I keep that in my wallet at all times. It’s never hit the floor once, why would it now? Idiots.

However, all of this blatant comedic injustice is rescued heroically by those knights in shining tin-foil who actually understand the mechanics of a good prank. These are the people with the power to dupe millions of people all over the world all at once, and they pull no punches trying to do it. The bigger, the better – even the Whitehouse got in on it this year:

… Although clearly, in true political fashion, they aimed their joke at “the point of April Fools Day” and somehow managed to completely overshoot it. Eh, good effort though, I suppose.

But when the big boys get it right, it’s pretty frikkin’ awesome. So, in no specific order (I can’t pick a favourite here), here are five of the best from this year, in case you missed them.

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Tiger Woods – The Greatest Sportsman Ever?

Posted by Dean Gregory on March 26, 2013
Posted in: Musings. Tagged: Babe Ruth, Golf, Greatest, Lionel Messi, Michael Schumacher, Roger Federer, Ryder Cup, Sports, Steve Davis, Tiger Woods, Valentino Rossi. 2 comments

I’m certainly not much of a sports fan. I hate Football (or Soccer, if you like butchering the English language), can just about tolerate Rugby (or Football, if you hate making sense) and I could watch Snooker (or Billiards, if you insist on having no idea what the difference is) all day. I quite like motor sports; I’ll happily watch the MotoGP, Formula 1 and a bit of Nascar on occasion, sprinkled with the odd intermittent Monster Truck smashing things to pieces. Lovely.

Although not the most effective, the cartwheel-powered monster truck was certainly fun to watch (Source - http://www.flickr.com/photos/heydanielle/4736880584/)

Although not the most effective, the cartwheel-powered monster truck was certainly fun to watch (Source – http://www.flickr.com/photos/heydanielle/4736880584/)

One sport I simply can’t bring myself to watch for extended periods of time, however, is Golf. Granted, every now and then something interesting happens – for example, last year’s Ryder Cup, in which Europe pulled one of the most sensational comebacks in the history of competition, shattering the USA’s ego like a vastly over-priced vase toppling onto cheap laminate flooring which wasn’t there moments earlier. Other than that, though, there’s the occasional interesting shot (Sergio Garcia hitting a shot from the top of a tree, for example) and little else.

However, despite it’s almost constant tediousness to anyone who has never played it, you have to appreciate that anyone who reaches the standard these guys play at is incredibly skilled indeed. My only experience with Golf is the occasional round of Mini-Golf, and I find that difficult enough. Multiply that by roughly one million, and that’s how hard a game of Big-Golf is. Now add that to the fact that in a standard competition, there can be anywhere up to about 200 players competing against each other, and you realise that the top players are pretty much inhuman in their ability.

Tigger

The greatest sportsman ever

As with any sport, Golf has its best. You all know his name, even if you’ve never watched, played or even paid attention to the game in any way – Tiger Woods. And I put it to you all that, given the evidence provided in the above paragraph and more, Ol’ Tigger is the finest sportsman alive today, possibly ever.

I understand that is quite a statement for anyone to make. There have been great people from all over the world competing in all sorts of different games and proving to be superior to their fellow players time and time again – you all probably know of Babe Ruth, Valentino Rossi, Michael Schumacher, Lionel Messi, Roger Federer, the list continues. Most of these sports simply cannot be compared. How can anyone suggest that there is a greatest out of all of these?

Lionel Messi

“U wot m8, im th best an u no it”

Firstly, Tiger Woods is almost always a solo player. The only time he plays in a team is in the aforementioned Ryder Cup, which he usually puts up a damn fine performance in. Any other time, however, it’s him vs everyone else. People such as Lionel Messi, Babe Ruth, Johnny Wilkinson and other such team-sports greats, while often spectacular to watch in action, can fall back on their team mates if in need. For this reason, we can safely rule those guys out.

Secondly, if he doesn’t do well he can’t really blame his tools. Sure, not all Golf clubs are the same, but then again neither are all Cricket bats, Snooker cues or Lacrosse… Things. They certainly aren’t as different as mechanical sporting ‘tools’, such as motorbikes and racing cars. In motor sports, each racer represents a team made up of mechanics and engineers who design and create their tools themselves; there are a myriad of set rules defining how these machines should be made, but ultimately some just turn out superior to others. So when Michael Schumacher moved from Beneton to Ferrari, he starting winning everything. Then he moved to Mercedes after returning from retirement, only to never live up to the hype his return created. Similarly, when Valentino Rossi moved from Yamaha to Ducati, he simply could not handle the new machine and has since moved back. So as great as these guys are, they are not the only factors in their success, and as such they can’t be classified as the greatest of everyone, ever.

This leaves other solo, non-reliant sportsmen such as Roger Federer of Tennis, Ronny O’Sullivan, Stephen Hendry or Steve Davis of Snooker (I honestly don’t know who’s the best in that game), Phil Taylor of Darts and, of course, Tiger Woods of Golf. The simple thing which sets Tiger above all others here is simply how much more difficult his game is than the others; you could learn to play Tennis, Snooker and Darts to an at least acceptable standard after maybe a few months or so. Golf can take years, and you only ever have any chance of going professional if you start very early, when you’re more easily malleable. If that isn’t convincing enough, then Tiger Woods is perhaps the only player to hold the number 1 spot in his sport for nearly 300 days over two separate periods, the most recent of which he lost after sensationally admitting infidelity and consequently falling from grace. He landed in the world number 58th spot, the sort of downfall which spells doom for many sportsmen. But not Tiger Woods; he recently snapped back into focus and brought his A-game, and in possibly the only sensational comeback in the history of competition to rival his own country’s defeat at the hand of Europe, he shot back up to the number 1 spot, proving himself to be the one and only true greatest Golfer of all time.

I understand this is very much personal opinion, but if a comparison like this is ever officially made, I’m sure the evidence supplied here should work heavily in Tiger’s favour. Even if you don’t like Golf very much, like myself, talent of that caliber cannot be denied.

A view of Tiger Woods as he walks off the 8th ...

Look at him. He just doesn’t care

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The Justin Bieber Fiasco

Posted by Dean Gregory on March 11, 2013
Posted in: Musings. Tagged: Bieber, Bodyguard, Justin, Justin Bieber, Photographer, Sport utility vehicle, United States, Video clip. 7 comments

You’re probably aware of Justin Bieber’s recent outburst at a British photographer. If not, here it is (Warning: quite a lot of coarse language):

If you missed what happened exactly, Bieber pushed his way past one of the photographers on the way to his car, which he didn’t take too kindly to say the least. He then told him to “f*** off back to America”, which is when Justin got out of the car and launched himself in the photographer’s direction.

Some have theorised that this is the beginning of the cliché “superstar downfall” process which sees major stars spiral into drug addiction and disgrace – after all, this is the culmination of one pretty crap week in JB’s life as a star. It all started when he decided to arrive at his concert two hours late in an attempt to be cool, which is, in all fairness, absolutely moronic. He got stressed out, then he threw up on stage, then later collapsed while backstage, then this happened. It’s fair to understand that he’d get irate, but still, it’s pretty much his own fault.

Or is it? On the other hand, the photographer was a member of the paparazzi, who are notorious for not knowing when to just back off. They make a living out of being invasive, so there’s always that looming hint of irony that this particular pap got so worked up about Justin effectively invading his personal space. I can totally understand getting annoyed at people constantly poking a camera into my face, especially at such close range, without my permission, and I’d probably react in a similar way if they then spoke to me like that.

Either way, the ultimate conclusion is that Justin Bieber has vowed to never return to the UK, which is effectively alienating an entire first world international super-power from your fanbase. Not a smart move. I’m no fan of Justin so personally I couldn’t care less, but there are plenty of people who do, who will quite possibly remind him very soon that his actions were rash, no matter how justified they may or may not have been.

I’m sure we haven’t heard the end of this, so we’ll just have to wait and see if he learns any lessons from this.

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  • Dean Gregory

    Age: 20 Location: Willenhall, UK I am a shop worker and trainee journalist from the UK. My blog, The Epic Land Of Dean, has been designed with the intention of feeling like a column, as I am in the hopes of one day having one in a popular publication. It has no set theme, with posts about almost any subject. Some aim for humour, while some aim to teach, or otherwise inform.

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